Monday, December 5, 2005
Anger has carried me beyond the point of compassion, burning the feeling like pine needles in a bonfire. I am angry because I am tired of trying to make things the way that I want them to be, and getting upset when they are not. I am abandoning what was and I am embracing the new. I made a posterboard of motivational exercise stuff, as I plan to temper my soul with pain. Maybe this time around I won't make such life altering mistakes.
"The permanent temptation of life is to confuse dreams with reality. The permanent defeat of life comes when dreams are surrendered to reality." -- James A. Michener
Wednesday, November 30, 2005
I spend my days wondering if this New Year is going to be a defining one. As I walk to work in the mornings passing the Governors Club listening to Jay-Z carrying an umbrella I try to see the future. As I walk up the sharp incline to my new occupation, my mind swirling with carefully masticated methodologies that I aim to maintain. Will I be able to hold two jobs, school, and a social life or will something change? Some things are already changing.
I think my failures are so brash because I have always felt that I have the ability to foresee them. It isn't as if I change my actions, almost as if fate binds me to the motions despite their actions.
I think the reason why I don't fear death is because I long for an existence where I cannot feel the futures foreshadow. Where I don’t feel that I am opposed, internally, diametrically, where my nature is in harmony with my ambitions.
Recently things have occurred; actions have changed my personal relationships leaving me to do ponder if the permanence of my ways is the reason for my failure. It frustrates me that I can’t make things work, but it frustrates me further that I have felt the reverberations of the present episodes in my past thoughts like a dreamlike divination.
Though anguish, because it isn’t a dream and I’ve known it for a while yet I’ve not changed my circumstances. It frustrates me that I can’t be entirely logical in my actions, emotions don’t change so easily.
I only hope that the mastery of discipline will allow me to achieve goals, though it would now appear that I am now striving for them alone. And again, I am set back to my previous state, returned to my thoughts, revisiting the path that I feel I will forever walk alone.
Monday, November 21, 2005
It has been cold and raining all day and I've been trying to keep the doors open to listen to it. I had a crazy weekend, almost surreal. Saturday night I was playing bass with a motley few, one on drums and another on bongos. My mind was so clouded and my fingers so hardend and numb from the goading of my hands to continue playing. Four and five am ticked past and people started to fall off like moths flying to close to flames. In Tally you can just drive from party to party, people don't seem to care who you are. "The cups are over there man, oh, yeah i'm john doe," was the most common greeting. Endless supplies of inebrients to drown the pains of stress and stupidity that plauge my life.
My friends tell me lately that all I do is stand along the wall and watch, almost unwilling to partake in anything but gazing at the mob. I feel old and tired, like i've rebirthed and changed myself too many times and I can't do it anymore; i'm stuck with who I am now and I might have to spend my life not liking it. Are the decisions which I make in error that which designate my disposition, even if I acknowlege them as personal failure? The mistakes seem unescapable as I continue to commit them.
And it is still raining outside, my eyelids still remember the perpetual heavy feeling of the never ending previous nights. Everyones excuses and uneasiness echo in my ears.
Wednesday, November 16, 2005
Sunday, November 13, 2005
I've been watching this show on called Rome; its excellent but I have come to expect such from HBO. I can't wait for The Sopranos to come back, I also watch Lost on ABC because I think it is a departure from television that reduces brain cells, I already do enough of that by myself.
I love hearing questions like what three things would you take if you were stranded on a island because sometimes people answer creative things. I would definitely want to have something that starts fire though, as that would be the most important I would think.
My finances are a major issue lately as I involuntarily ceased working at my serving job. I have been sort of racking my brain with schemes to make the money which I so desperately need. I often think about how much I was making in Orlando and how I threw it away so nonchalantly.
My buddy Mark moved to Las Vegas and is blogging his newfound poker lifestyle. I feel envious when I read about $1700 purchases and $600 winnings. I am not much for poker, I don't like the odds. I guess I just feel like I am in a situation where I am forced to rely on other people too much, and that is something my upbringing has instilled within me a natural aversion for.
Wednesday, October 19, 2005
Your IQ score is 136
Your Intellectual Type is Word Warrior. This means you have exceptional verbal skills. You can easily make sense of complex issues and take an unusually creative approach to solving problems. Your strengths also make you a visionary. Even without trying you're able to come up with lots of new and creative ideas. And that's just a small part of what we know about you from your test results.
Sunday, October 16, 2005
"Abortion is only one of countless areas in which a mere nine lawyers in robes have imposed their personal policy preferences on the rest of us. The court has conferred due process rights on terrorists detained at Guantanamo Bay and benefits on illegal immigrants. It has ruled that animated cyberspace child pornography is protected speech, but certain broadcast ads aired before elections are illegal; it has held that the Ten Commandments can't be displayed in a public building, but they can be displayed outside a public building; and the court has invented rationales to skirt the Constitution, such as using foreign law to strike down juvenile death penalty statutes in over a dozen states."
Now correct me if I am wrong but has not the supreme court been in a conservative majority for a long time now, if not for most of what I would assume to be the aforementioned relatively new decisions. Another reason why I don't vote; the decisions that truly change our way of life are made by bureaucrats.
I like this idea of Bumvesting but I would much rather give them some liquor or drugs, I mean that is what they will work hardest for because it is what they really want, realistically speaking. I would be more interested in getting my car washed; a bum car wash would be so profitable.
As I look over a soundly snoring girlfriend I noticed a cool life hack about sleeping. I remember when I was back in basic training I was always tired, but after while I got used to short nights and adapted. See this map for peak foliage colors in America? Notice how the state of Florida is not represented? I need to move out of this swamp quickly to a place that has actual soil as opposed to sand. If there was a shortage of food tomorrow I don't think I could survive on oranges.
Saturday, October 8, 2005
It is so annoying how some people can find ways to make money and some are always in the rat race. I want a good easy paying job where I don't have to deal with people that I don't like every day.
I was watching Alan Greenspan speak the other day about flexible free market economy. Amazing that he can give speeches with such a breadth of information without using any notes in front of national television. He just spoke the ideas and information as he saw it, and that was it. He had no question as to what his message was, nor did he falter in his delivery. I just found it intriguing because the majority of the time that I communicate in similar fashion I am when I'm bull shitting.
I continued my Rugby try scoring streak last weekend in Cocoa beach against FAU. I felt so unutilized throughout the game because I know that I am a much better back than foreword player, which is what I fielded as. In discussing this with another forward he calmly exclaimed, "forward is all I know." I was thinking on the way back that there is no reason why I can't be great at both, but my rapidly shattering framework tends to disagree.
Wednesday, September 21, 2005
Taken from http://www.supamb.com/supafine/
I hate him with the passion of a thousand hates
God. I’m so angry. I’m so, so bitter. And Bush just sets my teeth on edge.
I just spent an hour and a half watching Primetime’s “System Failure” program and then the Bush’s address to the nation and THEN the reaction from a handful of evacuees who were just overjoyed at the thought of military control and a mobile home to live in. I mean, I guess maybe those would be good things, to them, to have.
But I kind of agreed with the reporter who was interviewing them about their reactions. “Do you think he should have done more? Do you blame anybody? Are you skeptical about the president’s intentions?” Obviously leading questions cheerfully shot down by evacuees, but fuck if he wasn’t asking what I was thinking.
I’m disgusted, appalled, cynical, jaded — and now we find out that, surprise surprise, Halliburton has a hand in Katrina cleanup — and the Homeland Security investigators can’t investigate it because it’s part of a contract that was awarded by the Pentagon last July. Oh, and contractors are exempted from affirmative action, as well as enabled to pay workers below minimum wage — even if a “majority” of those workers ARE residents of the stricken area, as Bush insists they ought to be, they’ll be making shit pay to rebuild their towns and neighborhoods.
And here’s food for thought:
The national media is mistaken when it claims that the Bush administration failed to respond to the crisis created by Katrina. The administration responded swiftly – to the needs of Halliburton, Bechtel and Fluor Corporation and to its campaign contributors and corporate lobbyists who knew that the administration would quickly turn the tragedy into a profit windfall.
That’s what happens when the administration is worried more about profits, spin, and percentage points in the polls than about real people, real lives, real Americans — not just the wealthy.
And don’t get me started on the new, more stringent bankruptcy law going into effect Oct. 17 — a law which is going to make it a lot harder for low- and middle-class people to escape the economic devastation of Katrina.
I can't hate Bush because I think of the alternative John Kerry, however I can't support him because of things like this; and people ask me why I was in the military and I don't vote...
Tuesday, September 20, 2005
I think it is rediculus that people are aruging this whole intelligent design vs. evolution thing. Why redicule intelligent design when in the eyes of science it is just as much a theory as evolution is. The problem I have with many evolutionists is that they don't aruge subjectively when comparing the two ideas, they become objectively dogmatic and unwilling to consider the fact that evolution is still a theory; after around two hundred years it still remains a theory. Also one cannot forget that Darwin based his theory (Natural Selection) on that which already existed on the Galapagos islands, and that the last lines of his autobiography he states
"I cannot pretend to throw the least light on such abstruse problems. The mystery of the beginning of all things is insoluble to us; and I for one must be content to remain an Agnostic."So the designer of the theory did not confirm nor deny his religious background, who are the followers of such theories to do the same. Not to say that I don't agree with the premise of Natural Selection, but the big bang had to come from something.
I think this blog makes some compelling statments about politics, and it is too bad that it was abandoned.
I made some really good chili with Newcastle last night, crock pots rule and everyone should have one. Now if I could just appropriate a grill and a large fire containing apparatus for the comming cold months I would be set.
panopticon, cool word for the day...
Sunday, September 18, 2005
The Buddha said death -- not some human teacher -- was his primary guru. He said we should all keep the reality of death in the forefront of our consciousness so we can better prioritize our daily activities and thus better direct our attention to that which is most significant and meaningful.
"We are all going to die, but are we each going to truly live?"-- unknown
Thursday, September 1, 2005
Wednesday, August 31, 2005
Tuesday, August 16, 2005
I hate it when I'm broke, it gives you so fewer options in life. I can only rationalize drinking for free which means i'm pretty much doing keg parties, and those aren't very good for keeping in shape. I am finding it very easy to adjust to life here though.
I'm in love with my Ipod though, even though I can go deaf from listening to it loudly.
Thursday, August 11, 2005
I would tell my father when I was young that Alberd Einstein flunked at math, like so many other children who were afraid of multiplication table. His response was always, "Well, you're no Einstein."
Hence I continue my college education.
Iraqi Maj. Gen. Abed Hamed Mowhoush was being stubborn with his American captors, and a series of intense beatings and creative interrogation tactics were not enough to break his will. On the morning of Nov. 26, 2003, a U.S. Army interrogator and a military guard grabbed a green sleeping bag, stuffed Mowhoush inside, wrapped him in an electrical cord, laid him on the floor and began to go to work. Again.
It was inside the sleeping bag that the 56-year-old detainee took his last breath through broken ribs, lying on the floor beneath a U.S. soldier in Interrogation Room 6 in the western Iraqi desert. Two days before, a secret CIA-sponsored group of Iraqi paramilitaries, working with Army interrogators, had beaten Mowhoush nearly senseless, using fists, a club and a rubber hose, according to classified documents.
If you ask me, which people often do, the United States abides by rules. Terrorists don't. What do you think they do to us when we are captured, they cut our heads off. I'd rather be beat.
Wednesday, August 10, 2005
So I went to Ross today wearing a Florida State shirt and I was asked by the black female clerk why I did not attend FAMU. Funny how even though equality is what we supposedly strive for, everyone racial profiles at some point.
Tuesday, August 9, 2005
Sunday, August 7, 2005
I made a penne a la vodka sauce tonight only to be upset by what I expected, the rapid curdling of lowfat milk in a simmering water based liquid. I was out of heavy cream and thought I could get away with using lowfat; my girlfriend suggested utilizing her lactaid free soy alternative and I cringed at the thought of such a culinary abortion.
Thursday, August 4, 2005
49 - the number of vacations that Bush has taken since he was inaugurated in 2001
5 - the number of weeks that Bush will spend on vacation, starting yesterday. It is the longest presidential vacation in at least 36 years.
319 - August 3, 2005 was the 319th day Bush has spent on vacation since his 2001 inauguration.
20% - the fraction of Bush's presidency that he has spent on vacation
23 - the number of U.S. troops killed in Iraq in August alone. That's right. In three days, 23 U.S. soldiers have been killed in Iraq.
1,822 - the total number of U.S. troops who have died in Bush's illegal Iraq war, as of August 3, 2005.
So what did Bush have to say?
President Bush lamented the deaths of 14 Marines in Iraq Wednesday, calling the deadly attack a "grim reminder" America is still at war.
"These terrorists and insurgents will use brutal tactics because they're trying to shake the will of the United States of America. They want us to retreat," Bush told some 2,000 state lawmakers, business leaders and public policy experts gathered here. The president spoke on a day when a Marine amphibious assault vehicle patrolling during combat operations in the Euphrates River valley hit a roadside bomb, killing 14 Marines from the same Ohio battalion that lost six men two days ago.
"Make no mistake about it," Bush said. "We are at war."
He said the families of fallen troops can know that the United States government will "honor their loved ones' sacrifice by completing the mission."
Now I am a former republican; I lean towards the right and would call myself a conservative. However it is facts like these that make me call myself and Independent today. Good thing I smoked weed and got kicked out of the army recently, or else my ass would be an insurgent casualty.