Wednesday, November 30, 2005

Fate and Unhappy Endings

Recently I have been hearing many say how they are content with the current gasoline prices. How it is "so good to see" the prices at the pump back to normal. Wake up. Everything depends on oil and once it reaches $200 a barrel I’m heading for Montana. Take a second to learn about it, I think everyone should. 1 Barrel of Oil = 23,200 Hours of Human Work Output. Think about that.

I spend my days wondering if this New Year is going to be a defining one. As I walk to work in the mornings passing the Governors Club listening to Jay-Z carrying an umbrella I try to see the future. As I walk up the sharp incline to my new occupation, my mind swirling with carefully masticated methodologies that I aim to maintain. Will I be able to hold two jobs, school, and a social life or will something change? Some things are already changing.

I think my failures are so brash because I have always felt that I have the ability to foresee them. It isn't as if I change my actions, almost as if fate binds me to the motions despite their actions.

I think the reason why I don't fear death is because I long for an existence where I cannot feel the futures foreshadow. Where I don’t feel that I am opposed, internally, diametrically, where my nature is in harmony with my ambitions.

Recently things have occurred; actions have changed my personal relationships leaving me to do ponder if the permanence of my ways is the reason for my failure. It frustrates me that I can’t make things work, but it frustrates me further that I have felt the reverberations of the present episodes in my past thoughts like a dreamlike divination.

Though anguish, because it isn’t a dream and I’ve known it for a while yet I’ve not changed my circumstances. It frustrates me that I can’t be entirely logical in my actions, emotions don’t change so easily.

I only hope that the mastery of discipline will allow me to achieve goals, though it would now appear that I am now striving for them alone. And again, I am set back to my previous state, returned to my thoughts, revisiting the path that I feel I will forever walk alone.