Friday, July 21, 2006

dark clouds

I always seem too lose at chess. When I was younger and played in the club, I seemed to be able to capitalize on someone else's mistake or weakness. I could win fairly easily because I would sacrifice pieces waiting for my opponent to make that fatal mistake.

I remember in sixth grade we had a Russian exchange student that spoke very little English, we would play chess all throughout class and he would beat me over and over. I never got tired of playing him, a marvel for a child with such poor tolerance for losing. I would watch him and it was almost if he could calculate the board, where as I would focus only on what my pieces could do. He brought out his queen so early and devastated me with swift devastating moves. I took solace in the fact that I could always wipe the board clean and start over.

I think it was at this time when I lost much of my motivation. I realized that I didn't have what it takes to beat him, nor did I even have the will to try. I recognized his superior abilities and I looked for unorthodox illusory methods of victory that never materialized. I realized that I couldn't win, and I was fine with it.

I'm still not a good chess player despite enjoying the game. I'm not a good player in the game of life either. I know some would look on my successes and argue that they garner merit in their own means yet I know that I have merely scraped by my entire life. My own mother often questions why weightlifting is the only thing I have tired my hardest at in my entire life.

Depression grips my soul these dense sweaty days. I force myself to try, and work harder yet the true problem is I feel like I have no passion for this world. I feel already that I have known all I really want to know. There is nothing great for me to do, that god gave me above average talents across the board with no great direction to follow. Sure, I want more material gain, but I can't take any of that with me.

Sometimes I feel like I'm just ready to find out what's next. These bones are tired because my soul tires them. I often think that I don't have much time left living in this society, that soon I will seek escape to somewhere unknown that I might find a purpose other than driving my body into ashes and my mind into abyss.

1 comment:

Kram4201 said...

If you want guidance, ask for it.

Start with, "God I believe in you"

"God I want you in my life"

"God I want you to give me guidance and help me find my way"

"God I want to serve you"

Isn't that the most fulfilling thing in life? Serving the Lord above you? Serving the Lord comes in many different ways, no matter what anyone says. We're young, bro, we got a lot of living to do... so strap up and hang on;)