Friday, November 10, 2006

Leviathan Felled, Watching the Race

I wonder if everyone comes to a point in life where self hate is the only screaming voice inside. I think I have reached this depth.

When I was small.
I did receive glimmers and shades of limelight, enough to satisfy most children. Yet I never gained the notoriety that I desired. I was motivated to excel merely for recognition, and when I came to a higher wall I would quit and focus on another locus of my personality.

I grew up.
I made mistakes over and over. Years of attempts to mold myself into the person I wanted to be resulted in the gift of fakery. I was an expert at positioning myself, I could act accordingly to receive any title I desired. Then I began to realize I did not know who I was. I learned to accept failure so well that I lost fear of it, and came to the realization that there were many paths that I was just not meant for.

I changed.
I started to act the same more and more around all groups, as people became more accepting and less secular around me. I began to excessively overcompensate through extreme arrogance. The knowledge I had assimilated in my quest to be a certain person led me to look down on all those that were without similar knowledge. With an almost Aryan attitude I harboured disdain for those choosing diverging methodology. I reached an epoch in the Army, when I realized how my condescension made me so loathed. I without a doubt did not care.

Now so morose.
I hate the people I associate with, and I hate myself. I want to just leave but I know I cannot. My personality will not let me fail here. I hate how I act around others, a spectacle who makes sure he is seen and heard. An introvert who self promotes to such an intoxicating level, that he eclipses extroverts.

I want the gift of silence, I want to start over.

Increasingly I feel I would rather just watch the race instead of running. I almost would rather just not watch at all because I am losing interest.

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