Friday, July 21, 2006

dark clouds

I always seem too lose at chess. When I was younger and played in the club, I seemed to be able to capitalize on someone else's mistake or weakness. I could win fairly easily because I would sacrifice pieces waiting for my opponent to make that fatal mistake.

I remember in sixth grade we had a Russian exchange student that spoke very little English, we would play chess all throughout class and he would beat me over and over. I never got tired of playing him, a marvel for a child with such poor tolerance for losing. I would watch him and it was almost if he could calculate the board, where as I would focus only on what my pieces could do. He brought out his queen so early and devastated me with swift devastating moves. I took solace in the fact that I could always wipe the board clean and start over.

I think it was at this time when I lost much of my motivation. I realized that I didn't have what it takes to beat him, nor did I even have the will to try. I recognized his superior abilities and I looked for unorthodox illusory methods of victory that never materialized. I realized that I couldn't win, and I was fine with it.

I'm still not a good chess player despite enjoying the game. I'm not a good player in the game of life either. I know some would look on my successes and argue that they garner merit in their own means yet I know that I have merely scraped by my entire life. My own mother often questions why weightlifting is the only thing I have tired my hardest at in my entire life.

Depression grips my soul these dense sweaty days. I force myself to try, and work harder yet the true problem is I feel like I have no passion for this world. I feel already that I have known all I really want to know. There is nothing great for me to do, that god gave me above average talents across the board with no great direction to follow. Sure, I want more material gain, but I can't take any of that with me.

Sometimes I feel like I'm just ready to find out what's next. These bones are tired because my soul tires them. I often think that I don't have much time left living in this society, that soon I will seek escape to somewhere unknown that I might find a purpose other than driving my body into ashes and my mind into abyss.

Monday, July 17, 2006

We Come out Blastin

Ephesians 2:12 That at that time ye were without Christ, being aliens from the commonwealth of Israel, and strangers from the covenants of promise, having no hope, and without God in the world.

Recent events are reminders that even though it would appear no one is at the helm, someone is faithfully manning the fifty cal. Everyone seems to be in the trough of the sine wave lately, including myself. I have been deeply depressed this Indian summer; fed up with females, disenfranchised with nightlife, and broke. Months past I was riding the wave of success, wasting plentiful money, and sluggishly continuing my advance. Now I find myself in the dregs. I didn't go to the gym one time last week, I can't recall the last week when this was so.

My family has experienced some specific gravitational agony bringing us all closer albeit not rendering any solutions. I have returned to dual employment status at the cusp of financial ruin, hard to imagine as my bottom line was ballooning in months past how the ink is now so bleak. Donald Trump, in an effort to raise money for one of his new casinos offered junk bonds with extremely low security in hopes that investors would purchase on the whim of his merit. Needless to say they made millions and just like Wesley Snipes would say "Always bet on black!"

I'm coming back in a big way 2006-2007 is to be the year of my reincarnation. With some considerable steam billowing into the pocket of my hot air balloon like 33 credits in two semesters on the way to 50 in three. I've realized that the root of my financial trouble is not merely rooted in lack of self-discipline, but the larger affliction of poor planning. Financial success is solely shifting into the crosshairs that inhabit the apex of my goals, whatever the means.

They say if you take big risks life is much more interesting. I say it is time for some risky business.