God has been speaking to me this past week. His manner is so meta human, utilizing circumstance rather than substance. I have seen the words that make up his will in the situations of my life.
I stopped to watch a street preacher and joined it his harassment, as he paraded his gaudy evangelical message about campus. I stood with groups of other young men who gathered around me as I asked him about drugs, sex, gay marriage, etc, and I tried my hardest to make him look foolish. One question that he asked me stuck out in my mind, as he talked more to me than anyone. Our discourse I did discount at the time however this question he asked was so simple. What did I think about Jesus Christ. I said, uh, I think he is pretty cool. He stared at me in return.
I wish I could find this man again, I wish he would show up again on campus but I know I probably will never see him again. He was just a vehicle, I think that he was chosen because I wouldn't listen to anything he said, because I would think he was a fool. He told me something I already knew, that God dislikes that which clouds the mind. I thought nothing of his words then until now. Three times since, he has shown me that when my mind is clouded, I make very bad decisions.
The instances were not coincidence, and being a flagellating slave to the discipline of self knowledge I know what my normal behavior is. I know those actions that lie inside the realm of my personal beliefs. Yet three times I have stepped drastically outside myself, acting with a reckless maturity suited to a youth with far less fortitude.
I have been tested and I have failed, and this third time I realize what has to be done. I must abandon that which impairs my function and embrace the fact that I can never be enhanced by anything that by very nature inhibits.
I think I had a revelation tonight about my purpose. It just became more clear to me that everything I do is so predestined, every action integral in the workings of a greater machine. I am not sure if these lessons are in every life or God just speaks to me.
This man said another thing. I told him that I probably knew more about the bible than he did, and he said want to bet. I am not a betting man, I don't like the risk profile and I did not take his bet. Something about that stuck with me.
Time to make a change.